Bathroom friends

May 17th, 2010 Comments 0

bathroom friends, snail, grape hyacinths, bathroom

This was a ‘look look!’ moment.  It travels faster than you might think.

I made it,

May 17th, 2010 Comments 0

ages ago, brought it out, and hey presto, it has a new owner now (by virtue of a monetary transaction);bracelet, metal buttons, pink fluffy scarf

bracelet wrist

feeling pleased with myself.  I’m sure it’s allowed some of the time.

White blossom

May 17th, 2010 Comments 4

white blossom

Easter Adventures

May 16th, 2010 Comments 0

I’ve been making a costume for a short film, and I’ll leave that particular herculean task to a separate entry.  It’s not finished yet.  And so I haven’t made that film yet.  And I got fed up with not filming anything.  So at Easter I gathered some patient family members (and film artists), rushed around town all day Saturday finding ingredients, made a costume, and filmed on Easter Sunday and Monday.

I ended up diving first into a swamp, and then a bog.  It has been an incredible learning curve.  It’s my first time making my own film, and I had almost no plan, just an idea, brilliant people with me, and a great adventuring spirit.

I learned:

  1. Don’t film walking on lumpy, grassy, tufty ground wearing backless Indian slippers you have never worn before.
  2. If you wade waist-deep into a swamp be prepared to leave your new indian slippers behind in the mud.
  3. Don’t film in a bog
  4. Don’t stand on a log, blindfolded, with your legs tied together, and expect to be able to dance without falling off, if your log is stationed on a sinking bog.
  5. Be grateful you miraculously prepared by bringing extra sheets, towels, dressing gowns and coats (not to mention sandwiches and welsh cakes), to mop up the swamp and bog.
  6. Make a storyboard
  7. If you are running around in a forest wearing tiny ‘sideless’ flat shoes, be prepared for nasty bramble stratches that will take at least a month to heal.
  8. Be prepared to let go of your ideas when you arrive and discover that the location is far more beautiful and interesting than you remembered/expected/could possible imagine.
  9. If you are acting, directing, styling, and freezing, make sure your friends will carry your bags and hold your coat for you
  10. Take many takes. 
  11. If you are acting and directing, look at takes during the shoot.
  12. Mark the space so you don’t wander around thinking you’ll be one size, when actually you are tiny and in the corner.
  13. Bring extra batteries.  And extra memory.  And extra daylight. 
  14. Remove cliches.  At least get them out of your system.
  15. Be thankful for patient family members who don’t mind you stinking out the bathroom while you defrost and rinse off swamp.
  16. Ultimately, pay people (next time, fingers crossed…)


That said, here are a couple of pictures taken by Puffalicious.swamp grasses and me

swamp and sky

Journey Easter 2010

May 16th, 2010 Comments 0

A journey towards easter egg hunts, journey through stormy sunset,

 car sun tree

weather in Wales is anything but ordinary,swirled tree, sunset, colours, clouds

a sympathy with the surreal

Going back to Easter

May 16th, 2010 Comments 0

This is what I did this Easter.  Slow blog.  Slow blogging.spring leap

It was just something in the air…  smell of easter bunny…

To act, or not to act…

May 4th, 2010 Comments 0

I’m trying to have a career as an actor, but already, just beginning this unstable journey, I feel really unsatisfied with the choices that lie ahead of me.

I just don’t like what people choose to express in the arts and media, and the things that actors and ‘actresses’ are asked to portray.  On the whole they don’t appeal to me, and in many cases I couldn’t  say with complete integrity, “I stand for this!”

The roles that we have to fill are either boring, mundane, from an old-world view, obsessed with sex, obsessed with image, from a male perspective only, fuelled by male fantasies and/or nightmares, violent, victims, only fulfill superficial egotistical desires, only express hopelessness and desperation, are funny but also just titillating, are clichéd and tired, are ‘post-modern ironic’, are sexist despite women liking this, and mostly they are all completely disempowered.

The roles I have enjoyed playing the most have not been real, they have all been fantastical – Death, Cassandra, Blodeuwedd, Death again, The Witch, Hecate, an angel/devil in disguise.  It all comes from a place inside me that is untouched by despair, that is clear, but also knowing and dark, vibrant and possibly insane, but only as insane as a three year old, with desires only as far away as the sweet shop, until she gets distracted by a puddle to splash in.  And just completely joyous and fine.

Basically, the world seems to be fucked up with everyone broken and ruined and women largely inconsequential if most of our human cultural legacy is to be believed.  But that is just not how I feel.  And so the prospect of working with people who feel like this, and have no inner direction, or have no hope, is completely uninspiring and I feel somewhat stuck.

“Oh, go out and make it yourself then”.  Fine, I say, but I can’t do it all alone, and who is going to help me?  Who will stand with me as something unwritten, as uncharted territory?  A drop of fresh water in a river that has forgotten itself.

I also don’t want to be a rebelling force ‘unhappy with the status quo, decided to make it all alone’, because I mostly don’t like this unhappiness that everything’s mired in, and this seemingly obvious need to rebel, as if that were the only way of being different. 

Mostly I just want to let my own unique voice out, and find a platform that will allow me to be heard, and seen, and felt, in luminous colour.  I have a me to let out and be felt in the world and I know that this me is valuable and wonderful.

I need to go back to making up plays in my living room with my best friend, and putting them on in the afternoon for our parents.  Everyone is obsessed with making something ’good’, that we make a lot less wholeheartedly.  And everyone is consumed with needing to survive that it’s hard to break away and remember to just play in a place where failure doesn’t exist.

Oh gosh, I don’t know what to do.

Where am I?

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